Werbung!

Perhaps one of the strangest features of German television is the fact that before nearly all commercial breaks you are warned that you are about to watch a commercial. The word Werbung (meaning advertisement/commercial/promotion) pops up on the screen, letting you know that what you’re about to see is no longer programming but actually some potentially misleading, fact-bending, exaggerating bit of persuasion...I still haven’t decided what I think this reveals about Germans and their thought processes as they watch TV. It’s hard to believe that anyone would be confused about the difference between Germany’s Next Top Model (a favorite in our house) and the Krombacher beer commercial that interrupts it. Heidi Klum may appear in McDonald’s commercials over here (as if she actually eats there - HA!) but she’s not yet appeared in any beer Werbung I’ve seen.

Speaking of beer commercials: John noted the other night that Germans have a very different approach to advertising beer. Beer commercials are serious. Seriously. We’re talking sweeping shots of beautiful landscapes, orchestral music and smiling people dramatically clinking together perfectly poured Hefeweizens. Beer ads here are about heritage and tradition. There’s zero talk of how many calories there are in your brew or the latest fad in the industry, absolutely no talking animals, nary a joke. Folks, beer is serious stuff in German; serious beer = serious ads.

So you may not get any good Budweiser ads to solicit a chortle over here, but what you will get is text messaging ads. At first you’ll think they’re funny because the services being offered are ridiculous and no one would actually buy this stuff, right? Then you’ll have to endure these ad seven times in a row at least three times an hour and every time you will be instructed to dial the number 3 five times and suddenly the phrase “fünf mal die Drei” (5 times the three) will be stuck in your head, haunt your dreams, be sung repeatedly by your husband...

And what is it that these Werbungen are promoting? It turns out the following information can only be known if you text the number 3 fives times to various and sundry entirely reliable services:

-Whether or not you and your boo are indeed soul mates

-Whether or not in a different world you were a vampire, werewolf or man As if I needed someone to tell me this one. Obviously I'd have been a vampire. I chose Edward a long time ago. (I apologize to my readers who are not fans of the Twilight series and thus cannot glean meaning from my last 3 sentences)

It should also be noted that by texting the number 3 five times you can:

-Have x-ray vision

-Spy into people’s homes via satellites

-Be the proud owner of a dancing gopher graphic

Finally, by texting the number 3 five times you can download the latest hit single onto your phone. Please note, the list of latest hit singles ALWAYS includes Lady Gaga. Always.