3 Simple Rules for Being Sick in Germany

I was out at a museum a couple weekends ago when Lauren called me to report that she thought she was catching a cold and wanted me to stop at the Apotheke on the way home to pick up some drugs. Uh-oh, I thought to myself. Though I was concerned about her cold, I was actually more concerned that my clock read 5:30pm. She had just violated German Sick Rule #1: Do not get sick outside of normal business hours or on Sundays.

You see, Germans are apparently born with a unique gene that the rest of us don't possess. They can actually schedule when they fall ill (not coincidentally, as they seem to do with all other aspects of life). I've thought long and hard about this one, and this is the only rational explanation I can come up with. Notwithstanding a few exceptions, how else can a society simply accept that the majority of their drug stores - the sole gatekeepers of all medicine and related needs in this country - are open from 9-7 on weekdays, 9-3 (or if you're lucky 4pm) on Saturdays, and completely closed on Sundays? Because Lauren made the mistake of contracting a cold late Saturday afternoon, she would have to survive until Monday morning (luckily we had brought some Nyquil from home).

In the German workplace, there seems to be an additional and closely related stipulation. German Sick Rule #2: you apparently must schedule when you will be well again. I've experienced this now on countless occasions. A coworker calls in sick on Monday morning and in the same breath reports that she will be out until Thursday. Another coworker reports being ill on Wednesday and won't be back in the office until next Tuesday afternoon. I've heard it explained that this precise scheduling is based on one's doctor simply predicting when you will be capable of working again. To me, this level of precision is unfathomable.

Lastly, unofficial German Sick Rule #3 is perhaps the most culturally baffling for Americans: if you're sick, the work can always wait until you aren't. Though the term "sick day" appears in the German lexicon, there doesn't seem to be a limit on how many paid days of leave one receives. I've asked about this and the question always receives confused looks. But this also clarifies why I hear of coworkers staying home a couple times during the winter because they are leicht erkältet (have a light cold), or hear people tell me to go home when I start sneezing too much. Conversely, because almost half of Americans don't receive paid sick leave and those that do receive about five days a year, we simply cannot afford to stay home because of illness. How many working Americans do you know that stay home from work for a case of the sniffles? Unless I contract the plague, I'll be at work.

There's an old adage in Germany that I've heard on a number of occasions that summarizes and rationalizes these three rules beautifully: Die Erkältung kommt drei Tage, bleibt drei Tage und geht drei Tage. In other words, a cold comes for three days, stays for three days, and goes for three days. Hence, as long as you plan to get sick in Germany during a weekday, you can access the medicine you need, call in sick and schedule your return to the office nine days later, and not worry a minute that a light cold will cost you any money or productivity.