3 Simple Rules for Being Sick in Germany

I was out at a museum a couple weekends ago when Lauren called me to report that she thought she was catching a cold and wanted me to stop at the Apotheke on the way home to pick up some drugs. Uh-oh, I thought to myself. Though I was concerned about her cold, I was actually more concerned that my clock read 5:30pm. She had just violated German Sick Rule #1: Do not get sick outside of normal business hours or on Sundays.

You see, Germans are apparently born with a unique gene that the rest of us don't possess. They can actually schedule when they fall ill (not coincidentally, as they seem to do with all other aspects of life). I've thought long and hard about this one, and this is the only rational explanation I can come up with. Notwithstanding a few exceptions, how else can a society simply accept that the majority of their drug stores - the sole gatekeepers of all medicine and related needs in this country - are open from 9-7 on weekdays, 9-3 (or if you're lucky 4pm) on Saturdays, and completely closed on Sundays? Because Lauren made the mistake of contracting a cold late Saturday afternoon, she would have to survive until Monday morning (luckily we had brought some Nyquil from home).

In the German workplace, there seems to be an additional and closely related stipulation. German Sick Rule #2: you apparently must schedule when you will be well again. I've experienced this now on countless occasions. A coworker calls in sick on Monday morning and in the same breath reports that she will be out until Thursday. Another coworker reports being ill on Wednesday and won't be back in the office until next Tuesday afternoon. I've heard it explained that this precise scheduling is based on one's doctor simply predicting when you will be capable of working again. To me, this level of precision is unfathomable.

Lastly, unofficial German Sick Rule #3 is perhaps the most culturally baffling for Americans: if you're sick, the work can always wait until you aren't. Though the term "sick day" appears in the German lexicon, there doesn't seem to be a limit on how many paid days of leave one receives. I've asked about this and the question always receives confused looks. But this also clarifies why I hear of coworkers staying home a couple times during the winter because they are leicht erkältet (have a light cold), or hear people tell me to go home when I start sneezing too much. Conversely, because almost half of Americans don't receive paid sick leave and those that do receive about five days a year, we simply cannot afford to stay home because of illness. How many working Americans do you know that stay home from work for a case of the sniffles? Unless I contract the plague, I'll be at work.

There's an old adage in Germany that I've heard on a number of occasions that summarizes and rationalizes these three rules beautifully: Die Erkältung kommt drei Tage, bleibt drei Tage und geht drei Tage. In other words, a cold comes for three days, stays for three days, and goes for three days. Hence, as long as you plan to get sick in Germany during a weekday, you can access the medicine you need, call in sick and schedule your return to the office nine days later, and not worry a minute that a light cold will cost you any money or productivity.

Let's see what's on

There isn’t much to be impressed by when it comes to German television programming... and it’s not that I didn’t try. Remember, I’m a self-described TV watcher and yet I have found little to keep my attention. I don’t think it’s the language barrier because at this point that’s no longer really getting in the way. It's just that I’m not that into variety shows, people sitting around discussing political issues, soap operas or their version of reality TV. There is no shortage of American sitcoms that have been dubbed into German that might have filled my viewing needs but German society must only be entertained by the most ridiculous shows our homeland has produced. “The Nanny” is regularly on. So is “Two and a Half Men.” I caught “Alf” the other night (and I must confess, I did stop to watch.)

The one thing German TV does really well (probably better than the US) is animal programming. Yes, I know we have the National Geographic Channel (and I watched that at home a lot) but this is animal programming on just your average network and it’s on all the time. These staid and buttoned-up Germans have a real soft spot for all things furry!

If you’re into soft, cuddly and cute - turn on the TV every Saturday morning for my favorite program, “Wildes Kinder Zimmer,” a one hour show that simply highlights baby animals all over Germany. It’s a treasure trove of puppies, kittens, baby porcupines, baby llamas, lambs, calves, piglets, etc. We can’t help ourselves, we tune in whenever we can.

Germany also uses TV to highlight the animals in its many zoos. The shows document new additions to the zoos, daily life in the zoo, how animals are fed and cleaned, the captivating conundrums the keepers face. I’ve watched countless hours of elephant and penguin coverage...and it never gets old. If you’d like to see the most recent babies born in Berlin’s zoo check out the gallery of pictures here. John got home from work and informed me that in fact two of Berlin's newspapers have slideshows of baby animals, so if you still need more go here.

What’s fabulous is that after watching the show, I want to go to the zoo and it’s fun to find the animals you saw on TV once you get there. (Why aren’t American zoos in on this marketing tool?) Our trip to the zoo here in Berlin was partly inspired by one of these shows. Well, that and a documentary about the life of Knut, Berlin’s most famous polar bear. This bear remains a total rockstar here and the story of Knut and his trainer has inspired a number of TV programs like the one we saw, hundreds of newspaper articles (zum Beispiel: here and here and here) and a whole line of Knut gear and things.

The Knut show was just one of the countless documentaries they show on animals. Polar bears in the wild are a popular choice. The plight of seals is common. Some of our favorites are the ones on meerkats, whose German name, Erdmännchen, means “Little Earth Men” and are always accompanied by lively music and dramatic life circumstances.

John’s a sucker for any and all baby animals. The big guy goes all soft and sweet whenever he sees one. I’m in danger of reverting back to my days of collecting animal figurines and hanging posters of chimps in my room. It’s quality TV. It doesn’t require fluent German. It elicits a lot of smiles. That’s my kind of television.

Werbung!

Perhaps one of the strangest features of German television is the fact that before nearly all commercial breaks you are warned that you are about to watch a commercial. The word Werbung (meaning advertisement/commercial/promotion) pops up on the screen, letting you know that what you’re about to see is no longer programming but actually some potentially misleading, fact-bending, exaggerating bit of persuasion...I still haven’t decided what I think this reveals about Germans and their thought processes as they watch TV. It’s hard to believe that anyone would be confused about the difference between Germany’s Next Top Model (a favorite in our house) and the Krombacher beer commercial that interrupts it. Heidi Klum may appear in McDonald’s commercials over here (as if she actually eats there - HA!) but she’s not yet appeared in any beer Werbung I’ve seen.

Speaking of beer commercials: John noted the other night that Germans have a very different approach to advertising beer. Beer commercials are serious. Seriously. We’re talking sweeping shots of beautiful landscapes, orchestral music and smiling people dramatically clinking together perfectly poured Hefeweizens. Beer ads here are about heritage and tradition. There’s zero talk of how many calories there are in your brew or the latest fad in the industry, absolutely no talking animals, nary a joke. Folks, beer is serious stuff in German; serious beer = serious ads.

So you may not get any good Budweiser ads to solicit a chortle over here, but what you will get is text messaging ads. At first you’ll think they’re funny because the services being offered are ridiculous and no one would actually buy this stuff, right? Then you’ll have to endure these ad seven times in a row at least three times an hour and every time you will be instructed to dial the number 3 five times and suddenly the phrase “fünf mal die Drei” (5 times the three) will be stuck in your head, haunt your dreams, be sung repeatedly by your husband...

And what is it that these Werbungen are promoting? It turns out the following information can only be known if you text the number 3 fives times to various and sundry entirely reliable services:

-Whether or not you and your boo are indeed soul mates

-Whether or not in a different world you were a vampire, werewolf or man As if I needed someone to tell me this one. Obviously I'd have been a vampire. I chose Edward a long time ago. (I apologize to my readers who are not fans of the Twilight series and thus cannot glean meaning from my last 3 sentences)

It should also be noted that by texting the number 3 five times you can:

-Have x-ray vision

-Spy into people’s homes via satellites

-Be the proud owner of a dancing gopher graphic

Finally, by texting the number 3 five times you can download the latest hit single onto your phone. Please note, the list of latest hit singles ALWAYS includes Lady Gaga. Always.

Controlling my World

If you knew me well (or maybe even a little bit) back in the States you knew that I loved to watch TV. There’s a good chance that I watched too much. One might say I was willing to watch whatever was on, with a special penchant for decorating shows and documentaries on prisons (but that’s for another day). Moving to Germany has broken my TV addiction cold turkey, a lifestyle change made easier because German TVs and programming are a hot mess.

Today I need to address German remote controls:

In our old apartment the remote had two rather unfortunate features - one, that all the numbers and symbols had been rubbed off long before our arrival and two, it lacked channel up and down buttons. The lack of guiding signage created far too many unintended mutings, random displays that were impossible to erase except with complicated button sequences, and general frustration. The lack of channel buttons was “solved” by instead having the SCAN button that flipped through the channels in rapid succession, a process that could only be stopped if you timed your re-pressing of scan with hair-trigger precision. Oh the fun that provided!

Our new remote is far superior to the old one in that all buttons are clearly labelled AND we have channel up and down. (It’s the little things in life, really.) Of course, this “better” remote with its channel buttons does enjoy the entirely illogical feature of using the channel DOWN button to turn on the TV. This appears to be common across Germany is evidence that the rumors of German ingenuity are perhaps inflated. Oh, the remote also has a Power button, but that’s only used to turn it off. Obviously.

This weird feature of German remotes caused a great deal of consternation as we travelled on the first Seminar and repeatedly found ourselves pointing at the TV in a frenzy of button-mashing, sputtering incoherent exclamations of rage. We just needed the weather report!!!! (Eventually you remember to push channel down; but it’s remarkable to me how long muscle memory reigns in every day tasks like remote usage. All my life I’ve pushed Power, why stop now?)

The new remote also came with a “Magic” button. What magic does the remote conjure? Not sure quite yet. Maybe I should point it at John instead...

The Not-So-German Chocolate Cake

German cakes are different than American cakes. Kuchen here is still tasty, but certainly less rich, less sweet, less gooey, and generally incorporates more fruits, berries, and nuts. It's readily available, so we eat it quite often. But one several occasions Lauren and I have remarked to each other, "where's the German Chocolate Cake?" Yes, to our surprise, we haven't found it anywhere. What's the deal? Thanks to some internet researching, here's what we found:

"German chocolate cake does not come from Germany or from German immigrants. German chocolate is a milder, sweeter baking chocolate (milk chocolate would not be invented until 1876, by Daniel Peter in Vevey, Switzerland). According to Kraft Foods, which now owns Walter Baker & Company, German chocolate cake was created in 1852 by Sam German, an Englishman who worked in the U.S. for Walter Baker & Company. Originally called Baker’s German’s Sweet Chocolate, the apostrophe-s was later dropped, adding to the confusion. The popular recipe for German Chocolate Cake was submitted to a Dallas newspaper almost 100 years later, in 1957, by a Texas housewife who may or may not have invented it. In light of the resulting demand for German chocolate, General Foods (since merged with Kraft) sent the recipe to newspapers nationwide, and the cake became a national hit." (from The Nibble. Story corroborated by Kraft Foods here and the LA Times here).

So there you have it. Not German at all. Not even German-American. But, no less delicious either. In case this tempts your tastebuds enough that you want to whip one up right now, you can find the original recipe here, using the very Baker's German's Sweet Chocolate whose very misnaming has probably led generations of Americans like me to search for the original cake in its original land only to walk away empty-handed and none-the-wiser. Oh well, at least now we know.

If this is Sewtown, then I'm the Mayor!

A wise man once said “Sewing is premium.” (Actually, that’s a lie. No one has ever said anything profound about sewing from which I could pull a timely and pertinent quote. But I’m not gonna lie, sewing is pretty premium.)

Anyway, here’s an update on my premium sewing efforts!

The last few weeks I’ve been using embroidery to justify hours of movie and TV watching. In my defense, all the movies have been auf Deutsch and the Olympics were on; I had no choice but to watch!! The nice thing about embroidery is that at the end of the movie (or three) I have something to show for the hours that have passed.

Here’s one of the pillows (not yet stuffed) I made for John. The front is an embellished grocery bag; the back is blue velvet and it’s piped in red.

Here’s a grey pillow I bought and then added to with felt. Let's not talk about how I intended to make two of these...

Back in the fall (see my previous blog, "Here Comes the Sun") I mentioned that I had a sewing project that went bad. Well, I didn’t give up on that image and here’s the finished product. The goal is to back this with something lush and wonderful and have another pillow for our future home!

Recently, I decided to stop making pillows (to be honest, that got a little out of hand) and instead switched to making what will eventually be wall-hangings.

Here’s future wall-hanging #1:

Here’s #2 (not yet filled in with color):

And in my sewing class I’ve been busy as well. The most premium thing I’ve finished recently is this clutch. Pretty cool, huh?

As you can see here, I even added magnetic snaps and lined it with raw silk. Getting fancy, y'all!

Finally - living in a grossly cold city has afforded me more gloves than a woman really needs and thus, I chose to use a pattern I found online (because this is where I find everything) to transform simple black gloves into this:

We miss our puppy, Lucy, tremendously and I felt we needed our own version of her here in Berlin. This'll have to suffice until we can be reunited with our sweet girl!